"You have a parathyroid adenoma..."

Some of you guys may know bits and pieces of my story.

For some of you guys, all you know is that my name is Lexie North.

And some of you guys know about my struggle with depression, anxiety, an eating disorder, and all these "negative ways to cope" that come along with that. After a LONG 3 years that have been a constant battle, things were becoming worse and worse. Nothing seemed to be working; we (my family and I) decided that maybe I need more intense help.

On September 24^th I was admitted into a Residential Rehab and Recovery Treatment Center called Timberline Knolls just right outside of Chicago. My stay was going to average about 6-8 weeks, depending on my recovery process. This place was not a psych ward or hospital—there was a lot more freedom. I thought of it like a small college campus because the lodge had a dorm-like feel to it, just a lot more space. This treatment center had a lot of intense individual and group therapy and lots of different things to help each individual where they were struggling. The first 3 ½ weeks were amazing! Obviously it was a daily struggle: Being so far away from home was difficult, and it was especially hard trying to work through emotional, tough things, without my friends and family with me. But in my adolescent lodge, I met 35 other amazing girls with powerful stories. I had awesome roommates and an amazing treatment team that worked hard with me on trying to overcome my addictions and work through all of my struggles. Groups and individual therapy sessions were tough, but I got a lot out of them. For these 3 ½ weeks things were going really well and I was starting to see myself making progress. 

Then…I started developing severe abdominal pain. This pain wasn't like a normal stomach ache, or nausea; I had never experienced this kind of pain before. After a few days of trying different medication to help it, it got worse and worse and I ended up in the emergency room in Hinsdale, Illinois, again just outside Chicago. Long story short, they discovered that my calcium levels were really high and then found out that my parathyroid hormone levels were also elevated. Okay, I don’t know about you, but before all this I had absolutely no idea what any of this stuff meant, so I learned a lot. For those who may not know what this is…most people have four small parathyroids in the neck, surrounding the thyroid. The parathyroid hormone is what produces calcium. So the elevated calcium level was a result of the abnormal parathyroid hormone excretion. This means that it was putting way too much calcium in my blood stream, which was causing the abdominal pain. After being admitted, there were about 12 hours that I was by myself, with the nurse only coming in maybe 4 times (which was kind of pathetic). I had absolutely nothing…not even a pencil. It was just the TV, the hospital phone, myself and my thoughts. I couldn't make any long distance calls so I would have to wait for someone to call me. After a long drive from Kansas City, my mom arrived; I had never been more grateful.

Okay, I don't think I ever really wanted to admit this, but during that time I realized I have NEVER felt so alone in my entire life, as I did at that moment. Struggling with depression, I have (for the majority of the time) felt extremely alone even when being around people, but never have a felt so alone like this. I realized, maybe I really do need my mom. There I was, a 17 year old, lying in bed, in pain, crying because my mom wasn't with me… Honestly, I don't think I had ever felt that as a teenager. But during that time I became incredibly thankful that I even had a mom, that I even had a mom that was still loving me and supporting me no matter what I did, that I had a mom that was there for me at my worst moments when all I wanted to do was push her away, and finally that I had a mom that was willing to simply drop everything in the spur of the moment and drive 8 hours to be in the hospital with me.

The next day consisted of a bunch of lab work and tests. They kept the calcium levels down with IV fluids, in hopes of controlling the pain. The doctor came to the conclusion that this medication I was on for the depression and anxiety, Lithium, could have potentially been causing the high levels. So they took me off the medication and discharged me back to Timberline Knolls. It was hard for me to say goodbye to my mom even though I knew she was going to be visiting me for the open visiting hours the next day. Honestly, I was glad to be feeling better and back at TK and continuing the process of my recovery. God was working in so many unbelievable ways at TK, in myself, and in a lot of the other girls, but that will be a whole other story to write about. I was starting to see myself finally working through things I never wanted to talk about. I started to see my future without my addictions; it was just going to take a lot of work to get out of them. I started seeing myself finally able to notice the light at the end of the dark tunnel I was seemingly stuck in. It was going to take a lot of work, and a lot of time, but I was starting to feel this hope that I had never felt before.

 --Not even 8 hours later I started having the severe abdominal pain again. By the time I saw my mom for visiting hours I was in even worse pain than I had the first time I went to the hospital. I was back in the emergency room in a different hospital in Bolingbrook, Illinois. My calcium and parathyroid levels were higher than ever before. After being admitted, doing lots and lots of lab work and scans, they found out I had a parathyroid adenoma (which is a tumor on the parathyroid.)

Okay so get this—we looked back at all my lab work from everything over the last 3 years, they figured out I had this problem back in 2011, but no one pointed it out to us! If you didn’t already know this…psychiatric problems and mood disorders are typical symptoms of an abnormal parathyroid. So if I had this problem, way back to at least 2011…could this have been contributing to my depression and anxiety??

 I spent another 3 days Bolingbrook, and then knowing that I was going to need surgery we decided to transfer to KU Med so we would be closer to home, with people we know.  

6 days, and three hospitals later, I found myself in the ICU at KU Med. They controlled the pain with meds and kept my calcium level down with IV fluids. We knew I was going to need surgery but to be 100% safe, they had to do lab work and tests to make sure there couldn’t be anything else causing it, or anything that could go wrong and possibly cause danger in performing surgery.

So…for the next 8 days, we got to the play the lovely waiting game. We did all the lab work, ruled out everything, and the surgery was on the schedule. Thursday, October 17^th was my first day in the hospital in Hinsdale, Illinois. Wednesday October 30^th was the day of my surgery at KU Med. Those 14 days in between were absolutely horrible, I struggled a lot with frustration and being impatient…but tons of memories were made. I had tons of visits (from friends, family, and youth pastors), watched a lot of movies, played a lot of games, and had hilarious moments with my family (and even the staff at KU). I am so thankful I got to be in the pediatrics unit, because this is where I met Lauren. Lauren was the music therapist. For those of you that don’t know, music is my everything, and piano is my best friend, I’ve been playing and taking lessons from Mrs. Diane Koker since I was just 5 years old.(: Lauren would come in during the week, either everyday, or every other day and just hang out with me. She gave me her electric piano to keep in my room, so I could play it whenever I wanted to. When we would hang out, we would just talk, and goof around on the piano. I eventually learned how to play my favorite song, Warrior by Demi Lovato and Lauren would sing along with me. She was also there for me when I was getting my PICC Line Catheter inserted, which caused me to have a meltdown because I was so frustrated and wanted to go home. I’m so grateful for her and everything she did to make my stay easier.

After surgery, I spent two more days in the hospital for recovery. Friday, November 1^st (2 weeks and 1 day later) I was finally being discharged and going home!!

This is totally a God thing, because after discharging: I went home, unpacked, repacked, and got to go on my last fall retreat with my youth groups to Quapaw, Oklahoma! I had little to no pain; I even went on the freaking zip line! I had so much fun, it was a great way to spend my first 3 days being out of the hospital.

Its two weeks later…I’m back home. I’m recovered from the surgery and all the exhaustion (Fall Retreat might have worn me out a little too much). I’m catching up and continuing my senior year doing online school…and I have 32 days until I graduate!! (If you can’t tell, I’m a little excited to be done.)

 A lot of people have been asking me if the surgery (getting my parathyroid adenoma removed) has helped me with my mood disorders.  A LOT of people have mentioned, “This is a huge answer to prayer!” And yes, it most definitely could be. But this doesn’t mean that everything is just suddenly “fixed.” What a lot of people that haven’t struggled with the things I have don’t understand, is that it doesn’t just “go away.” You can’t just “snap out of it”, and it can’t just “automatically be fixed.” And what some people may NEVER understand is…the fact that it’s not an easy fix makes it so difficult to be open and let people in. Another thing that I’ve had to keep in mind is this: I’ve had 3 years to develop this negative thinking pattern. I’ve had 3 years to develop all of these negative addictions that have been my way to “cope”. The whole deal with my surgery is this: maybe it just takes time and maybe it might help me emotionally someday---but it’s going to take a lot of work to completely overcome the ‘disease’ as a whole. I may continue to get all the help I need with medication and therapy…but ONLY God can help me truly overcome it. ONLY God can help my truly come out of depression and strengthen me to overcome my addictions.

SO—I’ve never really been open about my struggles…and honestly, it is terrifying. But I’m just asking for everyone to join me in prayer. Because right now, I am FULLY trusting in God that He is going to take all the brokenness and turn it into good. I FULLY believe in God: that He is going to help me get through everything. I don’t deserve it, but even through all my junk, God still loves me anyway. I am asking you to join me in prayer; that maybe, yes, this parathyroid problem can be a huge answer…or if not, that either way, whatever God’s will is, that He will walk with me, fight with me, and help reach the other side of recovery. 

Papa.

I want to tell a story about my papa.

 Quincy and Drake in trailer, Me sitting on Papa's lap.

This is my Grandpa, but we call him Papa.^^

--three years ago, Wednesday, April 28, 2010 to be exact, I was in eighth grade, and it was the day after my mom's birthday. That Monday and Tuesday were very rough days. My grandpa had had a heart attack and was transported up to Olathe Medical Center. I didn't really know how serious it was and I kept telling myself he's gonna make it, he will make it. I had been begging and begging my parents to let me go see him. That Wednesday morning, about 7am, we went to go visit him, it was chilly and rainy. My dad let my siblings wait in the waiting room, while I got to visit him first. We walked up to his room, but my mom walked out, stopping us before we could go in. I remember looking at her knowing something was wrong. “He didn't make it. He's in heaven.” That's all she said. I stepped back, feel onto the empty hospital bed behind me, cold tears began streaming down my cheeks. I was shocked. I didn't think it was real.

A few weeks earlier, which was the last time I had seen my papa before his passing, I had taken a two-week trip by myself down to the farm to be with my grandma and papa in Independence, Kansas and we took a rode trip to see my mama bear in Texas and my cousins in Arizona. I was close with my grandparents, but through the hours and hours of driving, shopping, restaurants, hiking, and chilling during those two weeks we grew a lot closer. As I look back, I question a lot on why I had that opportunity to grow closer to my Papa but then him be taken away. But I am so thankful I got that time to spend with him.

Papa driving the tractor pulling the Grandkids (Me, Audrey, Hayden, Shay, Quincy, Drake, Evan) in the trailer.

 Papa was a very hard worker. I can't explain to you how much he worked. My grandma would always tell him, "you need to sit a relax, you're wearing out your feet!" When ever he we would go to the farm to visit, he always had projects for us to do. He was always on his feet wanting to do more and more.

Me, Hayden, and Drake with Papa.

Papa was an encourager. He was constantly encouraging me, my siblings, and cousins to keep up the good work. Whether it was with school, music lessons, sports, etc. Music was really important to him and he always encouraged us to stick with it. And he always made an effort to come to our piano recitals. Some of my favorite memories are that when we got to see Papa and Grandma we would have a mini “concert” and play our instruments for them and also while sitting around the campfire we would sing songs while either my brother or cousin would play the guitar. I still play the piano today and I love to sit at the piano everyday and know that he would be so proud I never gave it up.

My sister, Audrey walking with Papa on the trails in Colorado.

Papa set a good example. He lived his life for Christ. For his funeral after his passing the seven of us grandkids had to write a short paragraph about who he was or what he was like. I wrote "Papa was like a mountain. Mountains are a beautiful creation, and Papa was a beautiful creation who lived a beautiful life. A mountain points up to heaven and Papa lived his life as a good christian and set awesome examples for his family. I look up to him. I walk through life everyday hoping I can live my life how he did.

Me, Drake, Quincy, and Shay with Papa

   Papa was a fighter. Grandpa had type one diabetes ever since he was a child; he had different illnesses and heart problems throughout his life, a lot of which I didn't know much about. But he was constantly fighting, getting through every day one step at a time. I know that the days before his passing he kept fighting and fighting until God called him home.

Me, Shay, and Hayden riding with Papa in the Volkswagen.

 

Today marks three years. It's been an emotional, hard day. I miss him everyday. I miss his delicious pancakes. I miss riding in the Volkswagen convertible with him. I miss the fun memories. Some days I still am in shock and can't believe its real. But it helps to know he lived a good life and is up dancing in heaven. He never gave up, and I will never give up. I wanna grow to be like him.

----I can't believe it's been three years. I'm missing you more than ever. It wasn't a goodbye, its an I'll see you later. Love you Papa<3

Five Years Ago.

March 18, 2008.

Coming up in a few days is the 18th. March 18th, five years ago, I had surgery to get a cochlear implant.
"A cochlear implant, is a surgically implanted electronic device that provides a sense of sound to a person who is profoundly deaf or severely hard of hearing."

I was born with severe hearing loss in both ears. I got my first set of hearing aids just before turning one. As I grew older I became profoundly deaf in my left ear, receiving no benefit from the hearing aid which led to getting the cochlear implant when I was 11(almost 12) years old.

As a 6th grader this can be very scary. When my parents and I first talked about it I was set, not changing my mind with my answer being no. I didn't want surgery. I thought it was terrifying.
After my parents finally convincing me and going through with the surgery, I wouldn't change one moment. Yes, it was scary. I woke up from the anesthesia crying because I was in so much pain. I was originally an out-patient so I was supposed to leave, but I ended up having to stay all night. I spent a couple weeks being a lazy bum because I wasn't aloud to do active things.

April 1st-the day we turned on the cochlear implant. I was almost in shock. I wasn't used to hearing so much noise. The first thing I heard was the sirens outside the window. Leaving the doctors office I started noticing things I had never heard before-birds chirping and the blinker in the car.

Even though it was painful and scary, I am so glad I did this. It was all worth it. It has helped me so much in everyday life. It helped me a lot in the classroom setting a school. Also with my hobby as a piano player, and just normal conversations with my family and friends. I am blessed. 

 Before surgery - waiting room

Before surgery-with my dad

 

After surgery

 

I am so extremely thankful for the amazing love and support I had.

One of my best friends, Breanna Sikes came to visit(:

 

My piano teacher, Mrs. Koker gave this to me.

It even has the year on the sleeve(:

 

Just a few of the letters I received(:

 

Encourage.

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Encourage

To give courage or hope to; to reassure; to help.

This morning I woke up with a text message from my best friend: “I hope you have a fantastic day! Love you and praying for you!” Even though this is just a short message, it means a lot! It helps me to know that I’m not fighting through the struggles of life alone. That there are people standing in my corner, being there for me.

Over the last two years I have received many, many letters. It amazes me that even though not everyone knows my story or knows what I’ve gone through, they still are willing to encourage me, pray with me, and be there for me. One of the letters I received had a picture and all it said was “I believe in you.” This one is my favorite, because even though it has just a few words, it’s so powerful. It overwhelms me to know that there are people believing in me even when I don’t believe in myself.

Being an encouragement is important. You never know how much a simple message can make someone’s day. That message may be the only thing getting them through the day. We all need a little encouragement sometimes.

I have been so amazingly blessed with the people I have in my life. I can’t thank people enough for the love and support they have given me. It has helped me a lot to know people haven’t given up on me and are walking with me through life, because we aren’t supposed to go through life alone.

Thank you guys for believing in me.

Old Window: DIY Project

These last few weeks have been extremely exhausting and stressful. I finally spent my Saturday at home trying to relax. I love relaxing but I can't just sit around the house all day doing nothing, I have to be doing something. So I thought, why not spend the day at home doing something I enjoy.
My dad has been working hard all day on replacing all of our windows(Thank you Dad!). As my brother and I helped him carry all of the old windows to the garage, I thought I could use these for something.
Here it goes:

OLD WINDOW:DIY PROJECT

1) I got an old window that we were going to end up throwing away.

2) I put the window over a trash can and got a hammer and some work gloves.

3)I smashed out all of the glass with the hammer.
       -Probably is dangerous and not smart.

4) Don't worry, got some eye protection on.
       -haha. wouldn't have been good if glass flew up in my eye.

5) After smashing out all of the glass, I repainted it white.
     -yes, I put them on cans so I could paint around it easier.

6) I hung it up on my wall and put some things of mine in each pane.

Closer look:

 --In each pane, I put in a picture, letter, object, that meant something to me.
       -top left: I have an encouraging letter that helps me get through each day.
       -top middle: Another letter and a picture of my family with my Mama Bear at her 100th birthday celebration in February 2012.
       -top right: Pictures of me and my best friends.
       -bottom left: A drawing my little sister gave me while I was away. Also a picture of us.
       -bottom middle: The Beatles booklet(one of my all time favorite bands!:D) and all my medals from piano contests(so excited to go again this April!)
          -bottom right: MNU sticker(future college), GO PIONEERS!(: -"To Write Love On Her Arms" stick(movement I'm passionate about) ---here's a link to a blog post I posted about it--- http://alexiskathrynnorth.blogspot.com/2012/10/twloha.html  -also a letter I recieved from HCA(Heritage Christian Academy) basketball last year(10th grade).

Why do I hate winter?

One thing you should know about me, if you don't already, is that I HATE winter.

This morning I left for work at 6:40am. As I was walking out to my car, which I park on the street in front of my house, I realized I should have warmed up my car ahead of time. First thing that happened was my door was frozen shut and it took me a minute to finally yank it open..thankfully I didn't rip off the handle. <-my dad would have been so mad at me. Then getting in my car I realized my windshield was completely iced over and impossible to see through. I turned the defrost on full blast and took my ice scraper seeing if I could get some of it off. After a few minutes of frustration and sitting in the freezing cold the windshield was defrosted enough to drive. Driving to work, I didn't have a coat or gloves(stupid Lexie), and most of you know its not fun to drive while shivering. As you can tell-I WASN'T PREPARED.

Reasons why I hate winter:
-I can't go outside and do anything without freezing to death.
-No swimming:( -possibly the best thing that gets my mind of everything else.
-Tons of layers. I'd rather wear shorts and a tank top.
-Snow...ew
-Most of the time it's cloudy and gross which doesn't make me happy.
-It gets dark way to early. I like my sun.
-colds/sore throats.
-It impossible to get out of bed when its freezing.
-Hair static
-Dry hands
-I'd rather be hot and sit in front of the fan, than freezing and sit in front of the heater.

ON THE BRIGHTSIDE
We've made it to February and its almost spring!!(:

Winter Break.

I hope everyone had a fantastic winter break being with family, hanging out with friends, and relaxing. It's been a good winter break. I've had a lot of ups and downs but I'm so thankful for the good times I got to have with my family and friends. My last day of school was the 21st. After I finished my finals I got to start off my winter break relaxing at home which was very much needed because of all the stress from cramming in all my studying. Most people have already returned back to school or are starting their first day back today for second semester. I still have one more week before my second semester starts. So this week I will be relaxing and catching up on much needed sleep.

Here's a little bit about my break:

Christmas Sunday with these beautiful girls!(:

The junior class from my youth group had a Christmas party. We had fun doing a white elephant exchange, goofing around, and watching a movie. I got a stuffed puppy from Rachel(: and Rachel got a Justin Bieber doll from me!

We continued on with the Christmas Eve tradition of getting pajamas! This year the boys got camo pajamas and my sister and I got footie pajamas, which was on my christmas list and I was very excited about!

The Palmer Girls!

Mom, Grandma Belva, Aunt Johnna

Grandma came to visit from Texas!(: I am always so excited when I get to spend time with her. Plus tons of good food is made when she is here!

New Years Eve it snowed all day!! Monica and I went sledding at Lowes Hill. I got tons of bruises but it was worth it because it was a lot of fun!

Grandma got us all Texas pjs for Christmas!(:

Hanging out with friends is always on the top of my list of my favorite things to do. These girls bring so much laughter into my life. They are seriously the best. They are always there for me, they are understanding, and they always know how to cheer me up!

And last but not least...I have spent much of my break watching The Walking Dead. I know I'm late getting into this but I finally started from episode one and am working my way to the most recent episode. This show is so addicting and gets my mind off of everything else in life.